stop calling my apartment porn island.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
