Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
