Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
