I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
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Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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