He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
