OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
