Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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