I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
