Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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