tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
