Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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