the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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