My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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