it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
