Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
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this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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