She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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