Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
