dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
