i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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