i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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