TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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