Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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