remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
