Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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