Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
