I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
