Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
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I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
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I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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