there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
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His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
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I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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