i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
