just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
