I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Randomize
