just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
