My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
