so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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