Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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