Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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