i would punch a child for taco bell
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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