Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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