Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
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I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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