So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
