Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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