the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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