Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
