Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
