I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
