I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
