I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Randomize
