Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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