Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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