my shit smells like andre
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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