just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
