Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
