I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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