peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
