We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.