my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.