I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I have demons in me.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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